Podcast Ep 312 - When Awe Turns to Envy: Navigating Friendship and Comparison

In this podcast, Heather Lahtinen and Nicole Begley talk about the often-overlooked issue of self-comparison and the impact it has on our confidence and success. Learn how two people, each admiring the confidence they see in the other, can make a phenomenal team by embracing their unique strengths. 

Whether you're a creative professional or navigating personal aspirations, this episode is packed with insights to help you embrace your individuality, turn self-judgment into self-celebration, and transform collaboration into unstoppable success.

• The pitfalls of comparing yourself to others
• Heather’s personal experience with comparison and admiration
• Finding clarity in what you genuinely want
• Balancing admiration with self-acceptance
• Making a list of your strengths and passions
• Strategies for overcoming comparison
• Importance of self-honesty in personal growth

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Connect:

Heather Lahtinen: Website, Facebook, Instagram

Nicole Begley: https://hairofthedogacademy.com/

TRANSCRIPT

Hi everyone. This is Heather Lawton in from the Flourish Academy and today I'm sharing a conversation with my friend Nicole Begley around my issues with her. Yep.
You heard that right. There was a situation recently that led to me having a conversation with my coach about my thoughts and feelings. My relationship with Nicole is extremely important to me.
So I told her that I needed to talk with her about what happened, which understandably made her a little bit nervous. But then I thought, why not record it? I hope that you enjoy this conversation,
especially in light of the fact that it's, it's rather embarrassing for me. Hey everybody, welcome back to the Freedom Focus Photography podcast. I'm your host,
Nicole Bagley, and we have a secret podcast topic today. Well, it's not secret to Heather, but it's secret to me. And she told me she wanted to do a podcast. She was not going to tell me what about we were here and we're here and I'm dying.
I'm very excited. I can't wait to see what we're going to talk about because I always love these conversations and bringing these podcast episodes to you. So Heather, welcome back to the podcast for the super,
super talk it Super secret topic. That's hard to say. Thank you so much for having me. So the reason I wanted to approach it this way is because I wanted to get your reaction in real time.
I wanted to present this to you and see what your thoughts are because I, I have a, I have a thought that you might, I don't know how you're going to react to this.
So let's lay some groundwork. We came home from Progress Lab a few weeks ago, which was awesome, by the way. It was off the charts. I loved every minute, every second, helping people with their transformations.
And I had a situation. I had some thoughts when I came home. I thought everything was awesome, by the way. But I came home and a few days after I got back,
I had a call with my business coach and you will Never guess what the topic of conversation was. Do you want to guess? No, you don't need to guess. You don't,
you don't know, right? I don't know. It was you. Me. Are you breaking up with me in public? I had a call with my coach about you.
I wanted to talk about you and our relationship and, okay, what is happening in your brain right now. Wow. All of a sudden, I'm like, "Well, how'd he really mean if she was taking me on to my own podcast to break up with me?" She wouldn't do that.
But that's kind of where my brain goes is like, "Oh, there's a problem." It just goes to, "Oh, there was a problem. There was something that was bad." Yes. Yeah. Which makes sense because why would I go to my coach about it?
But in reality, our issues are never about someone else. Our issues are because of something we are thinking about someone else.
Right, right. So I said to my coach, "Hey, I just spent a week with like my best friend,
business partner. We operate so well together. But I'm having some thoughts that I just need help like reconciling. So we were in your car and we were driving to one of our venues and you were explaining all the things that you had managed and were handling.
And I heard you talking about all of these pretty complex logistics that you have to manage while we're also teaching. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. As - Any workshop planning happens,
yep. - And I know that you do this. I know that this is your thing and I know that you're really good at it. But as you're explaining all of the things you're managing, and by the way, you're just talking. You're like, oh, we're gonna do this and then we're gonna go do that and then I'm gonna stop at this and then we're gonna,
okay. And I was in the backseat. I'm pretty sure I was drooling because (laughs) this is what I said to my coach. I said, I was drooling in the backseat because I cannot wrap my brain around the complexity of the logistics that she can manage.
That was my leading statement. You see what I'm saying here. Yeah, yeah. You are increasing your capacity for complexity. I am and I have for sure. But I went on to say,
you know, I'm, I'm really good at creating content and teaching and coaching. Like that is for sure my zone of genius. And Nicole is as well, but she is also good at putting these workshops together,
managing the logistics. I mean, she can literally take care of anything and everything and I feel, I don't know. Like I'm like, oh my gosh,
I'm never gonna be as good as her. Like she is so good at this stuff. And because I have you in my brain as successful and I know that successful people But clues,
I think in my brain, I need to be more like you. Like there's a deficiency here. If I'm not more like you, something is wrong. - Right, because you can't be successful if you're not good at logistics or you have somebody else do that.
- Correct. That's what my brain was telling me. I mean, it's ridiculous when you say it and it's laughable. But I have in front of me a page of that I want to share with you and your audience because I think there is a parallel here to when photographers compare themselves to other photographers.
And you know, we've heard, we have all heard, comparison is the thief of joy. You shouldn't compare the start of your journey to year seven for someone, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah. I'm so sick of those platitudes because I've heard them, I've known them my whole life. And those thoughts did not help me in the back of your car that day.
No, no, they don't help really any of us when you're in the midst of it, because the comparison is such a deep ingrained human need. That's what our brain is braining.
My brain was braining so hard, I couldn't even think or apparently swallow my own I mean, I even said, I think it was Amanda sitting next to me,
I'm like, I don't know how she does this. I'm like, I can't even wrap my head around this. Now, when you tell me Heather, show up at this time and teach, I'm like, let's go. I can do that. Heather,
it's time for you to coach. Okay. I am very good there. But if you said, Heather, I need you to plan the food, for example, for a week -long workshop? No,
ma 'am. No, it's just not happening. That's that is your zone of genius. Oh I mean, I will plan food all day Every day and you can bet there will not be any fruit mixed with the chocolate Oh,
my man that I go to period done. Yeah, this was a problem actually when we did do the grocery shopping I grabbed all the fruit she grabbed I said I will allow people to have fruit in my events.
It is allowed. It is not a fruit -free zone. It is a fruit and chocolate mixed up -free zone. - That is so generous of you. - In the past,
I'm not a monster, Heather. In the past, we have had desserts that were like chocolate and fruit. - Wow. - And the chef just knew to make mine separate without any of that fruit touching it. - Okay,
okay. So, as I was working through this with my coach, one thing I recognized is that when I start comparing myself to people like you,
who are temperamentally different than I am, I miss what I have to offer. Oh, yeah. Like, I'm dishonoring myself when I compare because I'm completely missing myself or what I bring to the table because I am only focused on the lack.
So this is classic gap and gain mentality, right? Like I'm focused on where I lack. There's a huge gap here and I'll never be like you.
I'll never be as good as you, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, and I'm not thinking of what I bring. - Here's the crazy part. So as you're telling me this,
I'm thinking, I'm like, man, I'm like an awe watching you coach our students during our three days of progress lab. I mean action girl had her day But during the first two days and we're so into thoughts I'm just like wow man,
and you know, there's part of me that's like, oh, I wish I could coach at that level You know, hey, don't get me wrong. I can coach I can coach. Yes. Yes Coach but like there was a whole new level of of coaching genius that you share at these events when you can start to get like really deep with people and like really dig into these different paces and really start to like make some some really huge transitions.
So yeah, so the other piece about that too is this has happened at numerous workshops where we start to dig into this like kind of confidence thing and the same thing where people are looking at other people in the group and they're wishing,
they're comparing and they're wishing they were more like so and so. And at the most recent vision that I teach with Kaylee and Sam, we're sitting there and we're chatting and one of the people is like,
man, I wish I could be so confident like this person over here. And that person's like, oh, I wished I could be so confident as you over there. So they both wanted the confidence that they thought the other person had,
that they felt like they didn't have and it turns out the other person felt exactly the same way. That's phenomenal. Isn't that something? Like, you just don't know.
And what if we just make a great team? You and I make a great team because of the things we augment with one another. Not because we are the same exact person.
the world couldn't handle two of us, like two identical Nicole Heather people. It wouldn't work. Yeah, it would be too much. You know,
and furthermore, are you willing, I asked myself this question, am I willing to give up my zone of genius in coaching to be better at logistics? No,
of course not. Yeah. That wouldn't even make sense, right? So why not look and honor for like what I'm good at, what I bring to the table and what you bring to the table and seek out more time with you at these events or teaching whether that's in person or online because we make such a great team.
Yeah. No, I love it. You know, I've got me and my Monday boards have got you covered in your zaps. my zaps. Like just getting really proud of what we've created together.
And also, I wrote this in my notes, I'm looking at my notes, getting curious about the parts of me that I have judgment towards. Like why am I judging my inability to play in logistics?
Well, yeah. And is it judgment from a place of like, Oh, this is bad that I can't do it, is that driven from a place of thinking that that is a critical piece of being successful?
Like, there's no way you can be successful if you're not good at logistics. So, when you say that, it's so funny because, of course, that doesn't make any sense. But in my brain, before I verbalized it,
yes, that is what I thought. Exactly. Yeah. That my brain looks at you as successful, for every component of everything you do must be mimicked.
Right, I must be good at all of these things Nicole does. - You can turn this around too. I see it a lot in the photography industry where people see someone successful and they're like,
oh, all right, I need to price like them. I need to treat like them. I need to run my business just like them. I need to have a personality like them. And they're like trying to like straight up clone their entire life.
And really, the people that reach the levels of success are never the people that are like trying to fit in whatever they think success should be.
It's the people that have just been like, all right, I'm finding my path. I'm finding what I love. I'm finding my unique whatever that you're bringing into the business. And then that is what really drives the success of any business whether it's photography or something else So yeah,
so I guess like how here's a question how Can we ask or like what question can we ask people to help them? Determine What their version of success is if they're basing that off of comparison from someone else Mmm,
or if they are like really going just dishonor themselves by comparing,
but the people who compare are just not being true to who they are and what they want. So there's the question. How can I gain more clarity about who I am and what I want,
period, with your blinders on, you know, nothing else? It's like, you are a completely unique person, as am I, as are all of the photographers, therefore,
and by the way, it makes it easier to sell yourself when you know this and accept it. Like this is what I'm really, really good at and you just own it and you honor it. I just,
you know, I was so blown away by this concept of dishonoring oneself when you're in comparison. And I just don't want to do that. I don't want to dishonor my skills and I don't want anyone else out there to do that with the way they photograph,
the way they set up their pricing, their personality. People have said to me, "Well, I can't be like you because I'm very outgoing in these events or, you know, online even." And I'm like,
"Who said you had to be like me? Why do you think?" By the way, I'm pointing this question directly back at myself. Why do you think you need to be exactly like this person to be successful?
Is that actually true. Are you sure that it's true that the only way to be successful is to be good at logistics? It's ridiculous. It doesn't even make sense.
No, I'm not sure that that's true. I know that this is, but again, you have to focus on, I know what I'm good at. And I know that there are very few people who can touch me in the coaching department.
I own that. I know I'm good at I feel like I'm making a difference in changing lives. It's so fulfilling. That's what I loved about Progress Lab, helping people and then just feeling so filled up by that.
So why would I got home? Did I focus on not being able to get food scheduled? It's like so dumb. It doesn't even make sense.
So why would you compare yourself? You know, Also, if you're a Pat photographer in, say, Vermont, why are you comparing yourself to someone in Southern California?
I mean, even next door, but I'm just saying, like, nothing about it is the same. It's just different. Well, this reminds me, too, of I help a lot of people with pricing because that is my zone of genius and superpower,
and every single Business is different and can have different pricing and could be successful with different pricing And this is like one of my soapboxes that anybody that's teaching you that like has to be priced a certain way Or there's one pricing strategy or this or that like there's a gazillion based on what your goals are in your business and I will be on a freedom -focused formula called teaching somebody or like
coaching two different photographers that have, you know, maybe one is on the swift level, just selling kind of digital files, getting started, or,
you know, even like a Stork level two, where they have some products, but digital forward kind of collections, where somebody else is an Eagle level and they're all about the products and the signature piece. And I'm coaching both of them on the same call to lean into that difference,
even though if they were in the same market and there are people in the same market on both of those levels at all times, they kind of contradict each other.
Like the digital file forward collection person, the stock level is leading into like, hey, you're getting all your files. Hey, like files, files, files, where the, you know,
the product based person is like, hey, You're getting this beautiful artwork like they're they're basically like at odds from each other because the same person is not going to be attracted to both. But by really leaning into that difference they're going to track the right person for them at that stage of their business so I mean you can look at this so many ways with your your style.
You know so maybe you're like I really just want to photograph dogs running in the water. Great, like I guarantee you there are people in your market that would want a epic giant piece of art of that,
you know, or like I love to photograph more urban in the city or you know whatever it is like lean into it. There are people doing that and just because you see someone having success in a different version of that or a different you know something different about it doesn't mean that's the only way to do it.
That's such a good point. Like, is the only way for me to be successful as a teacher and mentor is to be able to do everything? Like, right, you know, plan an event,
work on the logistics and teach and coach and create content. I would argue if that were the case, that I probably wouldn't be good at any of those things because I would be spreading myself around trying to do all of those things.
But I even said to you leading up to Progress Lab, I was like, "Hey, you just tell me when to show up, where to be, and I will be there and I will coach their faces off. I will create content,
I will teach, I will help people with breakthroughs and transformations. I will probably make people cry and it will be fantastic." And I feel really good about that.
It's just always interesting to me how the brain tries to beat you down. down. Oh, absolutely. Once you to feel negative. So I come home, you took me to the airport, you said, how did,
how did I think it went? I was like, amazing, like the most amazing time ever. I loved every minute of every second. And then I get home and I'm like, but I'm kind of a loser. I don't even know.
I wish I could have caught it a little bit sooner and been like, okay, brain, I mean, I got home on a Friday, this call with my coach was Monday. And it's not, I didn't like sit around ruminating about it all weekend at all.
That wasn't it. It was just like came up and I thought, oh, that's interesting how my brain is, I don't know, trying to make me feel worse about myself. Is that, is that its job? Well,
it's trying to protect you. So I mean, maybe it's trying to protect you and it's trying to look at the, you know, always trying to make sense of different patterns and things like that.
So I think by default, our brain's like, oh, see, that's what we need. That's what we need. I mean, it's always think about it when we have success or we have wins, like it's so easy to forget them because our brain is so focused on,
yeah, but next, yeah, but this, yeah, but you're not here. Yeah. I mean, that's just that's just what it does, which is just kind of rude. It is so rude.
And what I learned from this experience is that I can relish in the success of others. And we can become richer in the experience of others,
but not at our own expense. Like, I can appreciate your skill set and say, wow, man, that's awesome that she can do that, it's okay that I can't.
And as a team, we're unfreaking stoppable. So I just need to seek out more things alongside of you. So that again, I said this so that we can augment one another with this skill set.
Oh, I can plan a vacation. This is my super power. Do you remember? Do you remember that? Oh gosh, how long ago was it? I guess about a little over a year ago, um,
my Belize trip that, um, the Airbnb that we had canceled on us about 72 hours prior to our flight, um, because they double booked it and they kicked us out.
Um, which is insane. Can we just say, but if there is one thing I could do under pressure, Heather, I know, I know it's plan a freaking vacation. I was like, I don't know.
I'm going to the airport important getting in the plane to Belize on Saturday. I don't know where I'm staying yet, but I'll figure that out. I've watched you do this. I mean, I can right now name five times in the past two years where you've done this,
where major things have happened. Well, see, in my mind, like uncontrollable, like out of your control, truly, that's not being allowed in New Zealand.
Yes. Yes. I mean that was one that was probably the most stressful piece. Oh my gosh I mean, I think it's almost every single workshop knock on wood.
Yeah But like for this one for this progress lab, we had a house she we ended up switching houses about three weeks out Won't get into all the details,
but I just remember Voxer you know, I'm like, ah this and that and you're like, Well, I know you've got it. I was worried for a second.
I knew you had. So let me ask you this, based on all of these events in like recent major events, do you feel more confident in your ability to manage?
Because I would think that would give you the skill of like, I don't fear anything. logistics that involve a lot of money and a lot of people,
it would send me into a tailspin. Yeah. Well, two things. I have the faith that it's all going to work out. And with the Belize House, with this Progress Lab house that we had to switch,
I fully had the belief of like, all right, this is something better. it's it's going to be fine. And it always has worked out. So yeah, it's right. Yeah.
So it's gonna like, I also believe that there's always a solution. Like if there's a problem, there is a solution. You might not see it right away. Like we might be clouded on our judgment to and it might be right in front of our face.
And we just don't notice it. But there is always a solution. So, you know, it might be a little stressful in a short term, but I have that belief. So I think that allows me to then stay in a more neutral,
calm state about it and see potential solutions faster than if I got all wound up in a free route. Yeah, that's definitely me. I go to the freak zone. I tend to have anxious thoughts,
but you even said this to me yesterday. We were talking about something and you said, "Well, we don't have to figure that out now because I know there's a solution." - Yeah, oh my gosh, what were we even talking about?
- Our businesses, different things we're doing to elevate. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - You're like, oh, there's a solution for that. We don't need to know that now. - Right, yeah. - That was great because how many of us get caught up in like,
I've got to know how to figure this out right now and I have to do it just like this other person and I'm comparing myself. Listen, the biggest lesson for me here was how much I was dishonoring my skill set by comparing myself to you and then judging it.
Like, you know, my coach helped me see that there is wisdom in every situation. So she said, okay, you're in the car, you're drooling. Could you ask yourself,
what is the wisdom here? What am I learning? It could be that I admire back to that skill set, period. And it doesn't have to mean anything about my capability.
It's just, you're good at those things. I'm good at these things. Okay, great. Why do we think we have to be the best at everything and exactly like everyone else?
I just don't know. That is kind of frustrating to me. But if you can catch it like a little bit faster and say, Oh, that's so interesting. I'm feeling like crap,
because I think I should be like this person. And then asking yourself, should I? She called this, my coach called this the should monster. Like there's this monster, you know, that you should be like that.
And she said, well, why don't you say to that monster right back? Should I? Really? How do you know I should be that way? What's wrong with the way I am? What am I really good at? And when I started making a list of like the things I coached on and the breakthroughs and transformations we saw along with the tiers.
I was like, oh my gosh, I am operating in my zone of genius without question and I'm so proud of what I've created and what we've created together. I'm so proud of it.
Yeah, same. So as we start to wrap this up, what is, what do we want. I mean, I know one thing is like keeping tabs again, all of these different things like keeping tabs of your emotional state,
like realizing when you're feeling frustrated or the comparison or like just anxious or stressed, like when you're feeling not great, what are you thinking?
Because it's a thought that's causing that feeling. Same thing when you're feeling great, what are you thinking? All right, that's a good thought. Let's keep that thought. Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, I think that becomes like kind of the under -arching best lesson of the whole entire podcast series.
We're at like 250 episodes almost. And there's a lot of thoughts and feelings because they really, truly drive everything. And our feelings are just a barometer of those thoughts.
Yeah. And it's like, if you see someone that you look up to that's really well in their business. Maybe they're making six figures and you think that you should be further along. You're just dishonoring your journey.
And what do you actually want? So, I admire and respect you probably more than, and I always say like, if I could have Craig at night in Nicole during the day,
I would be set. Like that's all I need. That's all I need. So, because I have that level of admiration for you, I just want to be like you I just want to like I look at the things you do and I'm like I want to be more like Nicole so another quick example of that is you love to travel all over the world multiple times per year and I think I I'm not like that and there's this part of me's like should I be
like that and then this was actually the same time in the car I was like no because I don't want to spend 18 hours on an airplane I just don't unless maybe I was in business class, maybe maybe that does change things.
But instead of saying, Oh my gosh, like I have all these googly eyes for you, like I should be more like her saying, should I or like what I can still respect and admire that and know and respect what I want.
How can I gain more clarity on what I actually want? I don't want to fly across the world. I'm in less business class. I don't want to play in logistics. I just don't want to.
And so I have to honor that, recognize it and like own it. Like that's what I want and that's okay. Because in these other areas, I'm like really good. And I wouldn't trade that,
you know? 'Cause I love who I am, truly I do. But you just get into this like, I should be more like this person. Could you instead just reframe that thought and say, I respect that and I admire what they're doing,
and I'm awesome. - That's right. And you can leave the logistics to me any day. - Thank goodness. And if you asked me to do anything,
the answer is yes. If you said, "Heather, will you come teach this?" I'd be like, "Yes, yes, yes, yes." Because I completely trust for you. - Would you come teach flying 18 hours on an airplane? - Well, that's a problem. That's a You're like,
help me if you book me a business class, then yeah. Yeah, exactly. And then I'm there all day long. I would actually argue that if you said to me, Heather, I'll get you to Africa in business class.
But then I can't pay you to teach, but I need you to teach. I'd be like, hmm, I might do that. I might work for free if you would pay for that ticket. Yeah.
I think the only way to actually get to those long, long, like the Africa, Australia's on business classes playing that points and miles game because, oh my gosh, otherwise you're looking at like seven to $10 ,000 ticket,
which is just again, that to me is mind blowing. You know, I can see why people do it. If you had millions of dollars, like I can see that. I can see why people would spend that money because that's a pretty long time to be in income.
I would not be opposed to it, but yeah, for now, I choose to play the points and miles game to get that experience a lot less expense. Oh my gosh.
So good. All right. So for our photographer friends out there, Heather, what are your last kind of words of wisdom for them? Of how to step into and own like their own,
Their own gifts and their own interests because like I have found that if you follow your interest in your passions like you can never go wrong. So like double down on that.
Yeah, you've got to ask yourself what I'm what do I love and what am I good at and I am for real make a list make a list of the areas that you really excel in and honor it Just when you're feeling like crap because of a comparison,
it's gonna happen probably daily. When that happens, you just like, I don't need to stay here. I don't need to stay in this crappy feeling because look at this list. Look at what I'm good at. You're never gonna eliminate this challenge.
I don't think because if it's still happening for me and I am hyper, hyper aware of it, then I think this is just one of those things that the brain is going to do continuously. So you have to decide what you love about yourself,
what you're good at, make that list and honor it. And if you need to stop following all of the photographers, then maybe consider doing that as well because it might just not be good for your psyche.
But for me, it's like, "Hey, I'm good at coaching. I love coaching. Put me in anywhere and I will do that." And so what If I'm not good at these other things because it doesn't,
it doesn't have to mean anything. There is zero deficiency in what you're doing, zero. You know, people, an example is like, people will say to me, it happened today. Someone said to me,
well, I'm just not, I'm just not techie. I'm not tech like you because I always say I'm technical. I love it. And I'm like, are you not really? Because all of you figured out how to use that camera,
Some of you figured out how to use a DSLR and then a mirrorless camera and you're trying to tell me that you're not technical I don't believe you. That's not true. You are so like another part of that question is where are you lying to yourself?
Mm -hmm. Stop lying to yourself. You aren't these people that say to me I talked about this in the money course. They're like, I'm not good at math and I'm like false You know two plus two you can add contract,
you can probably multiply and divide. But you have a calculator. So don't say to me, anyone listening to my voice, don't ever say to me, you're not technical or you're not good at math.
I just am not going to believe you. I just won't receive it. I yell at my daughter every time. She's like, I'm not good at math. I'm like, you're two years ahead in math and accelerated like college level math.
You're taking AP - Stop lying to yourself. - Okay, you can say math isn't my favorite subject. That's fair. - That's fair. - But yeah, I yell at her all the time. - Yeah.
- You are good at math, whether you like it or not, you're good at math. - I would love to hear your version of yelling. It's probably like, you're good at math. - I know.
Oh my gosh, I can't do it on demand. - I know. - I do it, I'm like, you do not say that. That's my, that's my-- - You're firm, yeah. - Firm, a firm voice, but it takes a lot to get me a Rila.
- I believe it, yeah. - Yep, yep, yep. All right, guys, well, thanks so much for being with us this week. We will see you again soon on a future episode.
And if you guys wanna join us in the next Progress Lab, we are actually looking to have it in 2025. We're not sure exactly when yet, but it'll be typically in the panhandle area of Florida,
like Rosemary Beach, like really beautiful beach house vibes. So yeah, so just shoot us an email at support @hairofthedogacademy .com. Let us know if you're interested or we'll put you on the shortlist and keep you posted once we find out,
figure out what those dates are going to be next year. All right, everybody, talk to you soon.